I stared blankly out the window and fought back
tears as reality set in. I had finally admitted to myself that I had rushed
down a path toward what I thought was the “American Dream” and it turned
out to be nothing but a sham. I was already half way through my check-list of
ingredients for the perfect recipe of happiness and all I felt was numb.
Marriage… check. Successful career… check. Cute little
home… check. Cute little dog to go in the cute little home…
check. Check, check, check.
As it turned out, my checklist was just a way to avoid the reality that I was not happy. I rushed into marriage because I was terribly insecure. I saw marriage as way to prove to myself, and everyone else, that I was worthy of love. At the time I equated happiness with achievements and success, and marriage was a representation of both to me. I spent several years trying to convince myself that I had to stand by the choices I made. Yet there was something inside me whispering that I should go. It was gut wrenching to imagine what people would think if I walked away. Eventually, my thirst for an authentic life became stronger than my fear of failing the people I loved.
After I admitted my truth to my husband and family, I moved into a tiny studio apartment where I would live alone for the first time in my life. The loneliness was unbearable. I was ashamed, overwhelmed with grief, and full of self-doubt. This was the first time I had ever publicly admitted failure. My entire identity of being a young, successful, flawless person was shattered. To add insult to injury, the heat was not working in my tiny, depressing apartment in the dead of winter.
As the temperature outside reached freezing, I laid shivering in my bed, sobbing uncontrollably. I felt exposed and raw with all of my flaws hanging out for the world to see. In that moment of utter devastation I realized I had a decision to make. I could either succumb to the feelings of failure and isolation or do things differently for the first time in my life. Here is how I began to pick up the pieces of my shattered identity and fall in love with myself:
As it turned out, my checklist was just a way to avoid the reality that I was not happy. I rushed into marriage because I was terribly insecure. I saw marriage as way to prove to myself, and everyone else, that I was worthy of love. At the time I equated happiness with achievements and success, and marriage was a representation of both to me. I spent several years trying to convince myself that I had to stand by the choices I made. Yet there was something inside me whispering that I should go. It was gut wrenching to imagine what people would think if I walked away. Eventually, my thirst for an authentic life became stronger than my fear of failing the people I loved.
After I admitted my truth to my husband and family, I moved into a tiny studio apartment where I would live alone for the first time in my life. The loneliness was unbearable. I was ashamed, overwhelmed with grief, and full of self-doubt. This was the first time I had ever publicly admitted failure. My entire identity of being a young, successful, flawless person was shattered. To add insult to injury, the heat was not working in my tiny, depressing apartment in the dead of winter.
As the temperature outside reached freezing, I laid shivering in my bed, sobbing uncontrollably. I felt exposed and raw with all of my flaws hanging out for the world to see. In that moment of utter devastation I realized I had a decision to make. I could either succumb to the feelings of failure and isolation or do things differently for the first time in my life. Here is how I began to pick up the pieces of my shattered identity and fall in love with myself:
1. I RECOGNIZED MY OWN RESILIENCE
Shame lurked in every thought that entered my
mind. I began to actively recognize the shame and work through it in a way that
would allow me to grow. I replaced flooding thoughts of my public failure with
affirmations about how much I had overcome not only during my divorce, but
throughout my entire life. I recognized my own strength and began to admire it.
2. I STOPPED TRYING TO BE PERFECT
I gave myself the permission to be a flawed human being. It
soon felt silly and conceited that I had once thought otherwise. I realized
that my obsession with striving for perfection led to
horrible self-talk resulting in insecurity.
3. I ACCEPTED RESPONSIBILITY
I
recognized that I minimized my purpose and value by giving into
my overwhelming need to be loved by someone. In prioritizing that fantasy above
all other parts of my identity, I had completely ignored my responsibility to
myself. In a moment of clarity, I recognized that I could discover my true
needs and fulfill them without being “completed” by a partner. I alone was
responsible for living the life that I wanted.
4. I DISCOVERED WHAT NOURISHED ME
We eat food to strengthen our bodies and to give us physical
energy. I learned that I needed to make time to “feed" my mind and soul
and nourish my spiritual energy. I began to truly get to know myself and understand
what nourished me. I spent time thinking about
what made me feel good, what gave me energy, what soothed me, and what made me
feel joy.
5. I ROMANCED MYSELF
I decided to re-purpose my once unhealthy
obsession with having a partner to adore me into a commitment of learning how
to adore myself. I took myself on dates, I cooked complex meals for myself, I
took bubble baths and rented movies I wanted to see. I discovered that self-love could mean that I was my own best friend
and damn good company at that!
Eventually, that lonely studio apartment became a
haven on my journey to discover love. I realized that it was filled with the
best company I could ask for: me.
#LIVEWELL #LOVEBIG
